Things are just crazy around here. I'm feeling absolutely shattered at the moment - lack of hormones, oestrogen in particularly apparently to blame - as I discovered today at the hospital. I've been taking a break from the HRT as things seemed to improve a bit in the hormone department back in October, but things have crashed even further into menopause than they were at the end of my treatment. All very depressing. I'm really having very severe menopausal symptoms which are disturbing my sleep and wrecking my days really. The aggressive treatment I received has led to an aggressive menopause.
I don't want to take the bloody bloody HRT - I've had enough of taking 'bad stuff', and I want to be as healthy and drug-free as possible. I don't want any of the potential side effects thank you very much. On the other hand, my oestrogen levels have dropped to such an alarmingly low level that if I continue not to take HRT apparently I'll need regular bone density scans to check for osteoporosis. Also, taking HRT would apparently have a marked positive effect on the desperate exhaustion I'm feeling, the sleeplessness and the swamping hot flushes which dog me night and day.
The problem is that I'm struggling - struggling with dealing with the kids, with managing my exhaustion and everything else at the same time. I'm only a year away from experiencing 'all they could throw at you' as the doctor today put it when describing my treatment. That treatment - the chemotherapy, stem cell transplant and radiotherapy still leaves its legacy today, and I had a newborn baby to attempt to mother through that experience as well as the other two kids. I never really rested then and I sure as dammit can't rest now. Perhaps struggling to stay off HRT is more than I can cope with now. HRT would undoubtedly provide me with some respite which I bloody need. What's a little weight gain, sickness and extra risk of getting various cancers? (yup, I could certainly do with that one!!)
If I'd gone into the menopause naturally I'd NEVER have considered taking HRT. But now everyone close to me, the doctor included, clearly thinks I'm crazy for even considering doing without it. But then they haven't had poison dripped through their veins for days on end. I know, I know -it got rid of the cancer, for the time being at least, but at some severe personal and lasting cost.
And, now I want another baby. Sort of. At least I would like the chance of having one. Most of all I'd like those good old hormones back. No-one's holding out much hope though. I think I had a bit of secret faith that my body might perform miracles, but now even I'm losing faith.
I don't know.
Advent, day eleven...
17 hours ago