Trying Times

Sometimes my children make me feel so angry. I'm not alone.... am I?

I won't describe the particular incident which triggered my meltdown (not too strong a term for it, I assure you!)last night, apart from mentioning the constant struggle involved in getting a certain son to do as he's told. Not all the time - that would just be unreasonable - but just some of the time. Just some of the time, after a long day at work, I would appreciate a bit of consideration and a bit of peace and quiet. The problem is that when I'm tired, Ed has more energy and determination to resist me than I have energy and determination to deal with him like a perfect parent.

Sometimes our whole household seems full of strife and noise - despite us all loving each other and despite my resolutions to deal with the kids with more calm, more patience and more consistency.

Maybe I'm just too old to be a parent. I wish I'd had them in my twenties. Would that have made a difference?

Half Term

So - Roger has gone to St Petersburg and left me with the kids for half term. This has been very helpful and I have found my exhaustion levels reaching new and dizzy heights.

But, we've de-bunked to my mother's house. Actually, my mum owns and runs a lovely and quite well-known pub on the Northumberland coast. Literally on the beach. She lives above the pub and the kids spend delirious and happy times here drinking hot chocolate and walking on the beach, playing in the dunes and riding ponies. So it's not all bad.

The sea is fabulous - stormy and grey: sitting in her kitchen drinking coffee you can watch the waves rolling and crashing just a stone's throw away. It's cold here but it's lovely to get away from the city and lovely to see the kids falling exhausted into bed after so much exercise and fresh air.

It won't stop Ed getting up at 6am though. I'm resigned to his early rising until the teenage years hit - he doesn't seem to be growing out of it like all his friends and his younger sisters. The most I can do is threaten him on pain of some terrible punishment not to wake anyone else in the house. But he's too unaware of how noisy is his every move to manage even that. Hmmm.

Rog's back on Thursday - I'm handing the kids to him quick-smart mind you the moment he's home, while I lie in a darkened room. I've had some blood results back which might indicate at the reason for some of my tiredness - more details after I've spoken to the doctor. Hopefully it's nothing to worry about. Hopefully.

Come For Tea?

My friend offered to make tea for my kids today after school. She knows I'm struggling at the moment. How nice is that?

'Lovely', I said.

We arrived, all three on the doorstep at about 3.45. She has a son who's the same age as Ed and a daughter a couple of years older. She also has a grown-up son who's away at uni - major respect and awed envy at having managed to raise a child to adulthood. Ed and her son haven't met for a while as they go to different schools, but they soon bonded over the Wii (the object of Ed's greatest desire as we don't have one, although how long we'll be able to hold out is anyone's guess). Martha was in deep awe and wonder at her 8 year-old daughter who was sufficiently glamorous and worldly to induce hero-worship to a major degree. Martha had brought her new colouring book and they coloured together lying on their fronts on the floor, Martha maintaining a respectful silence.

And Hattie? She played, wriggled, watched the fish, ate the tea and inexplicably projectile vomited in the way that she never has done before, all over herself, me and the floor! I hasten to add that the tea was innocuous fishfingers, pizza, chips and peas. We're not talking fricassee of chicken livers (???). My friend was lovely about it of course but really!

There was an unpleasant aroma around me on the way home, while Hattie sported a fetching outfit found at the bottom of the changing bag I'd luckily brought with me -an outfit clearly packed in the summer when she was approximately 2 feet shorter than she is now.

'Never a dull moment', I laughed to my friend as we slid out of the door......

'Come again', she said.

But you know what - I actually think she meant it.

I'll bring my own collapsible mop and disinfectant in the changing bag next time though.

Squabbles, Bugs and Woodburners

So, the school holidays are here. The children are so excited that I think they'll combust before Christmas gets here. And they're fighting all day long, at least they did today. They don't seem to believe that Santa (or Mummy and Daddy), 'knows when you've been bad or good so be good for goodness sake!'.... However much I remind them.

I think my posting may be a little patchy over the coming holiday time - it's going to be hard to find time to think over the next couple of weeks, or to sit down to write without constant demands. I'm determined to keep going with some writing though, so we'll see.

Anyhow - I'm still feeling not at all well and am getting well and truly fed up with it. And the baby has broncholitis which can be a little scary in the middle of the night - last night she was so short of breath we almost took her to A and E. And I think Ed is revving up for one of his regular ear infections. Well, I suppose there's time for us all to recover before Christmas Eve if we get a move on.

And on a more cheerful note - we're getting our new woodburning stove tomorrow. Just at the right time to snuggle around it as the snow falls outside. Lovely.

Another of Those Weekends!

Phew - why do weekends seem more exhausting than the weekdays? Ed's party was crazy - I'm not sure why I thought that Roger and I could manage 10 over-excited kids. Suffice to say the two-and-a-half hours passed very, very slowly although very, very noisily indeed. A big glass of wine was consumed once the kids were in bed. And Ed had a lovely time so I guess that's all that really matters. Thank heavens he only has one birthday a year.

And today Martha and I took Ed to his riding lesson and then we went to the supermarket to do a mammoth week's worth of shopping. Came home, unpacked the shopping, made the kids lunch, chased the toddling baby around while the others cycled outside, cooked a big Sunday meal for the evening, bathed the kids, washed and dried hair and now still have a pile of school uniforms and shirts to iron and packed lunches to make before I can crawl exhausted into bed. And I don't think Ed has stopped talking the whole weekend. I know, I know - it's nothing amazing or unusual - we all do it, but it's so bloody tiring. I'm not wishing time away, I'm not - really!!! - but I can see how much easier things might be when the kids are a bit older and a bit more self sufficient. Honestly - I feel as if I've run a marathon today, and maybe it'd feel a bit easier if there was just a small bit of space available in the day for me to enjoy on my own behalf. Perhaps I'm just too old - I wish I'd had my kids in my twenties. Having three such small ones (6, 4 and 18 months) and being 40 is rather exhausting. And I guess there's all the health stuff I'm battling with. Anyhow, I'm feeling much better - swine flu is behind me now and I'm feeling quite smug about it. No more swine flu for me!! Unless it mutates of course!!!!

My plan tomorrow is to write, write, write while the kids are at school and the baby sleeps. Am I the only person who sometimes drops her kids off at school with a small sigh of relief?

Hard Work

The kids have just been exhausting this weekend. I love them dearly which goes without saying, but oh my god would I like to have a bit of space at times. Being a parent is so unbelievably difficult at times I think. Ed wakes up at 6.15 every morning and despite threats, cajoling and even trying to appeal to his better nature (ha ha!) he continues to do so, just as he continues to appear in our room and his sister's as well. He wakes her up although having just started school she is exhausted and badly needs to sleep. The noise they both subsequently make, sends me into apoplectic levels of fury - not always dutifully suppressed as a good parent should - and always, always wakes the baby.

By the time it's 10am we've all been awake for what feels like an eternity. Of course that's what you sign up for when you make the curious decision to have three children in the space of 4 and a half years - but if I'd known it'd be this tiring I'd have had my family in my early 20s! Of course that's ridiculous as I didn't meet their dad till I was in my 30s but you know what I mean!!

So despite what more noble people say who have faced a life threatening illness, I do still sweat the small stuff. And what's more I feel guilty more than ever when I do although I can't really imagine how my responses on an everyday level to everyday stuff would or could be different. However I do strive in theory to be more zen-like though - think I might take up meditation, so watch this space.

And while I feel bad for yelling at the kids today, I'm living with so much worry everyday that it's quite overwhelming at times. It's not their fault of course but sometimes their clamour and chaos is exactly what I can't deal with as I wake up after yet another night of terrible, scary dreams in which the worst happens over and over again. I need peace and quiet to soothe my troubled mind and that's not really what kids do! That's why this whole situation continues to be a tragedy for our family long after I seem ok to everyone else. Live with me for a while and you see that I'm not really ok at all.

We did all go to Hadrian's Wall yesterday though. We had a lovely picnic and a fabulous walk and I can honestly say that I felt the legacy of my awful Friday lift while we were walking - mostly I suspect because I was too busy thinking about how completely shattered I was. Think I'd better keep on with those trips to the gym! Impressive hey?!