Writing... at 6am!!!?

I'm following Julia Cameron's 12 week programme to find myself as a writer! So now, in the quest to unblock myself and find all the creativity which is carefully hidden underneath everything else (I'm told it's there, I just have to believe) I'm setting the alarm clock for a seriously ungodly hour when even Ed is still asleep, and I'm writing. I'm writing anything which comes into my head - they're called the morning pages, and all I have to do is write until three of the pages in my (un-necessarily large) notebook are filled. I'm trying to do this every morning, come what may, and it's very tiring. But I'm going to bed earlier in preparation for it - which has to be a good thing - and so far I'm managing.

I'm also trying to inject more silence into my life.

Silence?

Well, I've realised that I'm very attached to words. All day long, I'm talking, reading, writing, listening to the radio and watching TV. However exhausted I am at the end of the day, I take a cup of tea to bed, and I read. And I wonder if all these words are interfering with me finding my own? They are filling a need in me which I would need to fill myself if they weren't there. Maybe I could write if I'd spent part of the day in silence and with silence? Noise is distracting me from myself, I think. And it's taken me a long time to realise that. I have considered a complete TV ban for six months - and I'm still considering it, although I'm finding the idea of managing without Coronation Street rather a challenge.

So with all three kids in school, and my teaching very sporadic indeed due to a childcare crisis, I've decided that this is the time to take action. Wish me luck?

Writing

My writing course was amazing. It was a real retreat - five days staying with new and interesting people in Ted Hughes' old house in North Yorkshire. There was no internet, no TV, not even a radio. The tutors were brilliant, but scary: Tim Pears who has written seven novels to high acclaim, and Patience Abgabi, an incredibly talented and terrifyingly frank poet who gave unstinting and critical feedback on any work one dared to give her. But unstinting and critical was what (I told myself) I wanted - once I'd picked myself up from the floor! Every morning we had a workshop taught by both tutors, an hour and a half each. Sitting around the long wooden table (where surely Ted Hughes worked on his poems) we'd write and read out and try to develop good practice and discipline.

We took it in turns to cook, which was companionable and fun, with new people to be with. We drank wine in the evenings and talked in the unfettered way that you can with people whom you don't know very well.

I felt strange when I arrived and then very strange and disorientated when I left. I wrote lots of stuff -some good, some needing work and some needing the bin - but the point is that I wrote. I'm determined to continue to do so, every day if I can manage although that's proving difficult already.

What the course showed me was the extent of the gap between where I am now as a writer and where I'd need to be if I wanted to publish anything. I'm planning to use this year to work on closing that gap just a little.

And now we're back up in the Highlands of Scotland staying for a few weeks again in my mum's lovely house. The sun is shining and the kids are shouting- as usual. Will I get inspiration? I hope so. But we've been for a lovely bike-ride this morning - I'm achy and feel as if I've woken up muscles which haven't been used in the daily grind. So that's good. I need more of that. Oh - and I've just started Hilary Mantel's sequel to 'Wolf Hall', 'Bring up the Bodies'. And I'm already heavily immersed in the Tudor world, which can prove problematic at breakfast time! I'm definitely more interested in Thomas Cromwell than is good for me.

Here and Now, and Next Year

My poor blog has been so neglected.

Work is too crazy to give me enough time to do anything extra. That said, we have just come home from our lovely time in Scotland - and it was really lovely just to be far away, physically and psychologically, from all the various stresses and strains of the everyday.

There's a cafe and a bookshop up in Ullapool, in the Highlands of Scotland - and it's not exaggerating things to say that when I set foot in there, things seem much better. Things can't be too wrong in my world if I'm in The Ceilidlh Place, drinking coffee and starting a book. I've been there so much - from before I met Roger, during my first pregnancy, with small toddlers and while I was going through my cancer treatment, and out the other side - with work concerns filling my mind. It feels like a true refuge. You can stay there - they have lovely rooms. And if I ever go missing, that's where you'll find me.

And - I've booked myself a place on a week-long writing course, for the first week on the summer holidays. Rog (how lucky I am) has agreed to look after the kids while I'm away. This coming year is going to be a special one for me - I'm going to give myself some time to write. I'm postponing my psychotherapy training until next year, taking some time for myself and cutting back on the work. I think the stress I've felt this year hasn't been good for me. I worry about my health and want to take some more care of myself. And I want to focus on the kids too - we've all felt a bit stretched this year. Hattie is starting school in September and I want to be there for her as much as is possible. We'll be skint, but what the hell. After the struggle of surviving cancer, and living with some of the long-term legacies of that, I figure I can take time if I want. And I want.

The Guardian piece

So! The piece is in today's Family Guardian

I have to confess to feeling a bit worried about it beforehand, especially about the photograph! But it's not too bad, and generally I'm pleased with the piece. It is just possible that I was one of the first customers to visit our local newsagent this morning!

Thanks so much to everyone for your lovely, supportive comments.

Happy New Year and all that stuff

Happy New Year to you all. As usual things have conspired to keep me away from the old blog - so I'm making new resolutions to remedy that. The problem is that after I've worked all day and marked and prepared lessons for the next; in between sorting the kids out, making packed lunches, going to swimming lessons (kids, not me), writing and reading and shopping, cooking and cleaning (phew!) there's not time for much else.

I don't mean to relegate my beloved blog and any readers who may still be out there, to the bottom of the very big teetering pile but the problem is that you're all so quiet compared to the clamour which echoes through the rest of my life.

So.... a catch-up. Christmas came and went in a blur. The kids were hyper - Ed at the age of 8 still waking up at the crack of dawn whenever there's a sniff of excitement and Martha and Hattie swirling through the days filled with everything Christmassy. For me, I guess it was the first Christmas since my cancer diagnosis (3 years ago I was going through radiotherapy)that I didn't wonder with quite such a heavy feeling inside whether that Christmas wouldn't be my last. I suppose I'm beginning to have just a little faith that I may stay alive for a few more years yet. I have an oncolgy appointment on Wednesday - just a check-up, but just walking through the doors of the hospital can make me feel shaky and less than sure about anything.

I read bit over Christmas - Look at Me, by Jennifer Egan which I thought was really interesting and dark, and I've just started Saint Maybe by Anne Tyler to cheer me up about returning to work. I love Anne Tyler for her easy readability and explorations of family relationships. I've read most of her books but gloriously I've missed this one. The problem is that I'm so tired when I get into bed that I fall asleep almost instantly. A least it spins out the pleasure for longer!

I'm also in the middle of applying for child psychotherapy clinical training for next year. Yup - finally I've decided on a career change. The course is scary in it's demands: I have to start regular analysis before I start. That is scary - I'm a little wary of meeting whatever might be lurking in my subconscious. And it's a doctorate which is another scary thing - if I ever had any brain power I think it's disintegrating fast. But it's worth a try. I completed the pre-clinical training while I was pregnant with Ed, and had intended to continue straight on to the clinical training however life (in the shape of two more kids, and cancer) kind of temporarily got in the way. Hattie starts school next year - and now is as good a time as ever to start the training seeing as I have to earn for a long time to come -I'm still hoping to become a full-time person of leisure, but it's not really looking likely any time soon!

Excitingly (although I'm shrinking with horrified anticipation at the same time) I have an article coming out in the Family Guardian this coming Saturday - yes, the 14th January. Read it if you haven't anything more interesting to do which I'm sure that you have. But I did write it which is pleasing. Bit worried (understatement of the decade) about the photo. Hope the beautiful kids eclipse the frazzled and 'seen better days' mother.

Zzzzzzz

Ed and Martha have gone (on the train - cue squeals of ecstasy!!!!) to stay with their cousins for the weekend. They are terribly excited - the lovely house in the country-side, deep in the Scottish Borders, with a farm just up the road.

And we've got Hattie to ourselves for a night. I was busy today so Rog had a day with her - and took her out for tea. And later I bathed her and put her to bed, with no annoying older siblings to disturb her. Life is definitely easier with only one child although I suppose the house does feel rather empty. We've got a good evening ahead - Rog is cooking and I'm watching X-Factor with a nice glass of wine.

I read 'Room'. I was quite amazed by it, and really moved too. What a strange and unforgettable book.

I'm tired - can you tell? I've got lots of projects on the go, in different areas of my life, including an article coming out in The Guardian newspaper in a couple of weeks time. I'm looking forward to having some time off work at Christmas - just to sleep and read and generally catch up with things.

An early night I think.

Travels to Cornwall....and Scotland too

We're on our way down to Cornwall right now - I'm posting from my blackberry in the car! A new and novel way to write - but if I don't write now, and write from my phone, my posts will become even more sporadic!

We've had quite a tiring start to the holiday - just so much to do before we could set off. Same old, same old - packing, cleaning, trying to remember how to put up our tent etc. But now we're in the car on our way! It's a long drive that's for sure, but I'm really looking forward to visit some of the beautiful places right in the foot of the UK.

Our campsite is near St. Austell, which is quite near the Eden Project, and the Gardens of Heligan. And the coasts.... And the pasties... And the cream teas...

I've been quite stressed about starting work in September and have spent the past few weeks doing some preparation which is why I've been absent from the blog. I've also been feeling grotty and tired which is always a cause of concern. In fact - most things have been put on hold while I've been sorting childcare and stuff for the autumn. My book hasn't made much progress but I'm planning to do some work on it later in August when we head up to the highlands of Scotland (yes - we're driving the length and breadth of the country this summer).

And I've got a pile of books packed in the back - hopefully there'll be a bit of time for wine and reading!

Pre-holiday Meanderings

We're going camping soon. But I've so much left to do before we can get into the car and head for the hills (or head for the Cornish pasties at least).

I haven't been writing - on my blog or anywhere else either, as I've been embedded in preparation for my lessons in September. And there's a lot to do. I'm determined to head off on holiday feeling relaxed and as sorted as I can for my return to work.

And sorting the details hasn't been easy - Ed's haemophilia means that being out all day, not around the corner and available for any eventuality, is particularly stressful. I guess it'll sort itself out - but it's sometimes hard to imagine how it can

On a different note - has anyone watched 'In Treament'? It's great, great, great. I'm plannng to watch the rest of the first season this holiday (although not in the tent of course).... and may start the second season, in between re-reading 'Frankenstein' and 'Lord of the Flies (which I'm teaching in September), and reading 'Lacuna' by Barabara Kingsolver and the new Kate Atkinson novel: 'Started Early, Took my Dog' for my own pleasure and delight. That's in-between fielding the tantrums of a small Hattie and refereeing the squabbles of the other two.

Maybe I'll find going back to work restful after that?? Maybe.... maybe not!

Stuff

I know I'm a sporadic blogger again and I apologise. That said, I'm pretty sure you have plenty of other things to do to while away the time between my posts!

Over the past few weeks I've been trying to get my head around what I'm having to do when I go back to work in September. And suffice to say - there's a lot to sort out in a short space of time. Heaven knows how all this is going to work out with the kids. I feel very very stretched in too many directions, and I haven't even started yet.

But I'm determined not to let the writing go - and I want to try to make sure that I devote a regular slot in the week to that..... along with everything else.

I'm dreaming of sandy, hot beaches where I can lie in the shade of a palm tree. Am I heading to a beach? Well, not that kind of beach...... a Cornish one onto which I may stagger from our tent. Not quite the same.

Today

I was offered a job today. A part-time job I really wanted in a great school. I am quietly pleased with myself - the interview was challenging: I haven't worked for three years and I had to admit to the gaps which would necessarily be there after some time out of a profession which changes faster than is strictly necessary! But as I said to them, I'm a fast learner.

It's all a big step forward on the journey to my future - my healthy future where my cancer is nothing but a horrible memory. This time three years ago I had started my chemotherapy, my hair was falling out and I didn't know if I would see Christmas. I wouldn't and couldn't have imagined that I'd ever be well enough again to apply for and accept a job like this.

It's the same old stuff - yada, yada yada. This time three years ago yada yada yada. But I'm still living with the legacy of what happened in many ways - physically and emotionally. It's increasingly a private legacy: there's only so many times you can say these things to the people around you without, I don't know, sounding as if you're going on.... I seem to be able to 'go on' on my blog though. Sorry.

Anyhow - that's good news for me and for the family, although there'll be some changes around here! I do feel bad for Hattie - our peaceful days of lunchtime CBeebies' watching will be truncated. But I'll still be at home for part of the week, and we need the money. And maybe I need to get back to my career. My other career.... I'm still hoping, probably in vain, the writing will take off.

Frustration

I just can't get anything done!!

How am I expected to clean the house, shop, cook, do the washing, ferry the kids around - all with an obstreperous Hattie in tow - and also write regularly, blog regularly and chase part-time teaching work for September?????

And all that's without factoring in the haemophilia. This morning I optimistically - and some would say stupidly - dressed for a run. My lovely child-minder friend was having Hattie for the morning (.... some crazy idea that it'll get her used to me going back to work), and I thought that I might just be able to sneak away before returning to the long imaginary to-do list in my head which began highlighted in bold, 'Hoover Ed's Bedroom' (oh.... the glamour of my life). I won't continue down the list but you get the picture.

Anyhow.... Ed has had a painful bleed deep inside his knee since Monday tea-time when he went out to play football. I treated him on Monday night (new blue needles) and again yesterday morning. But this morning he was still hobbling - packing him off to school, while tempting, didn't seem to be the entirely responsible option. So, after changing out of the fetching running gear, off we went to hospital. Last week he was there on Tuesday and Wednesday morning, this week he missed this whole morning and may have to go tomorrow if things aren't settled.

I am meant to be starting to write an article as well as ringing and arranging to visit several schools today. I also promised Rog I'd look over his latest job applicaton letter (for a headship - not bad!), and I wanted to run (did I mention that), and I needed to clean, as usual. Now I have about half an hour before the school run and all I want to do is lie comatose... or at least slump with a cup of tea in hand.

I also wanted to post on my blog today. Have actually done that! I've achieved something then!

Catch-Up

No - I didn't get the job, and although I was disappointed I'm beginning to see it as the best thing really. Two people working long hours is really two people too many when the kids are so small.

So, I'm back to my original plan of looking for part-time teaching work and supplementing that with doing some private tuition and some exam marking. Glamorous it is not, but I think it's the best way at least for the next couple of years before Hat starts nursery and school.

And maybe I'll get my lucky writing break before then and become an official writer! And then again...

I'm finding it so hard to find time for my blog at the moment. I'm missing it - but feeling strangely uninspired about what I want to write. Life gets in the way I guess, and just as my other writing has suffered through the past turbulent couple of months, with family stuff and work stuff pushing itself to the front, the blog has not been paid its due attention either.

The kids finish for the Easter holidays on Friday (I can't wait!) and we're heading off to my mother's house in the Highlands of Scotland for a couple of weeks. I'm hoping for some peace and quiet and some space to try to do some writing again.

I am reading though - lots and lots. If only an avid reader made a successful writer. I'd be sorted.

And for the first time since I was diagnosed with cancer I've re-scheduled my three monthly check-up for after our trip to Scotland. Which means it's more like a four month gap. I know that seems insignificant, but for me it seems to represent something important. Those appointments have always felt written in stone for me, and in the early days were times to dread. As Hattie's third birthday approaches at the start of May, which is also the third anniversary pretty much to the week of my diagnosis, I guess my confidence that I might just be ok is returning.....just a bit!

Catch-Up

I'm sorry my blogging has been so sporadic recently. There's family stuff going on which concerns others so I can't post about it here, but it's certainly taking up a lot of emotional and physical energy.

And I'm going for those job applications. I had a full on, major, day-long interview on Tuesday for a full time teaching position. I didn't get it - but the interview practice was useful at least. I had to teach my first lesson in 3 years to 25 fifteen year olds, while being observed by two people and then I had two formal interviews one after the other. I was really disappointed but also relieved as I don't really want to return to full-time work until Hattie is in school. But this seemed too good an opportunity to miss.

Anyhow - back to those applications!

I've had some rejections for my children's picture book - but I'm hanging on in there and trying not to get too disheartened.

And that's about it. The kids are driving me mad with their constant bickering - will they ever grow out of it or will it just get worse? Who knows? It's just awful to live with though. And Hattie is revelling in her hoodlum role as she approaches her third birthday. Often by the end of the day I'm absolutely shattered - being bossed around all day long by a very small and hugely determined person is rather wearing. Sometimes full-time work seems very appealing indeed!!

Acupuncture Ahead

Today I had acupuncture in my lower back and legs to try to relieve the awful nerve pains I have down my legs at night. It's been going on for the past couple of years, is getting worse and is really starting to disturb my sleep. I have a suspicion that this is a legacy of the chemotherapy - but whatever it is, I need to sort it unless I am going to spend my whole time taking painkillers.

The acupuncture was strangely relaxing (once I'd got over having to remove my jeans in front of the handsome, young physiotherapist). In fact I didn't really get over that but I just blocked out the vision I had of myself lying prone on my stomach with pins sticking out of me. I talked quite a lot.... possibly in an attempt to distract him. But I do have tremendous faith in acupuncture - I've had it before - so fingers crossed.

It's disappointing being (nearly) 42 and not in supermodel shape. Still - I haven't forgotten my pilates resolution, so I'm sure a hot bod is just around the corner.

And I wrote the first draft of my children's picture book yesterday. I'm pleased with it but I WISH I could draw. I can exactly see how I want the pictures to be, but I can't draw them. GRRRR!

Hello 2011

Today the kids are back at school and Rog is back at work. Hattie is asleep and the house is peaceful. I've just finished taking down the Christmas decorations and wrapping them up for another year. And this year I'm not putting them away with dread in my heart as to whether I'll be around to unwrap them again next year.

I'm not out of the woods yet as far as my cancer returning is concerned. I'm only two years in remission and I've got to get to five. But somehow, for some reason that doesn't feel as scary as it did. I guess that time does heal, and that the dreadful truly harrowing year following Harriet's birth is fading from the foremost of my memory. I'm living with some distressing, and what I'm scared to think might be permanent, long-term side effect of the chemotherapy - but I'm alive.

I've a hospital check-up appointment next week: always anxiety provoking at the best of times, but I'm looking and feeling well (apart from that pesky sinusitis which often hovers around) and it was gratifying to hear at the New Year party how many people genuinely complimented me as to how healthy I was looking. In fact I have a suspicion that dancing until 3am might have been what sparked off the sinusitis. A far cry from the way I said goodbye to 2008, thank heavens.

And new year's resolutions? Pilates. And writing. Quite a good mix actually, I think.

De Duh De Duh... De-Duh

I've started another writing course at the university here in Newcastle. It's full of confident people discussing the merits of the iambic meter. Hmmmm. And now I have to write a poem for Thursday. Why do I do these things?

Christmas Comes Early

Yesterday I had to have my photograph taken with the kids to go along with my article which is coming out in the Christmas edition of Red Magazine. A more stressful and potentially humiliating activity would be hard to plan in my opinion.

The make-up artist(!! No, no heavy make-up!!), sent by the magazine, was due to come at 2.45, and the photographer travelling from London up to the North of the country just to take our picture, was coming at 3pm. The kids were due home at 3.30 and then we all were heading to the park, dressed in scarves and boots and hats, despite the warm weather, in order to pretend it was Christmas. I'd drafted my mum to come too for moral support, and bribed the kids' good behaviour (and mum's!) with the promise of pizzas and special yoghurts with special corners which are the current longed-for treat in our house.

I had been dreading this - by the time the morning came, I was in an agony of nerves. I HATE HATE HATE having my photograph taken. I don't know what to do with my face. My eyes start to water with the effort of trying to look 'normal'.

The photographer was lovely though and with gritted teeth I posed as best I could. Ed, though, absolutely loved it. He chatted/ flirted with the pretty photographer (yes, he's only 6) and posed and posed and posed. She paid him the ultimate compliment and said that he had a look of the young Mick Jagger! Wow, I hope my son grows up to be as beautiful as him. I cheered up immensely then. He seems a bit of a show-man too, my Ed. Oh dear.

Martha looked beautiful and Hattie looked beautiful and uncooperative.

Now all I have to do is wait with toe-curling anticipation to see how I look. Heaven help me!

Can't Write... Just Can't

What I would like to know is..... why, despite reading lots and lots and lots, can't I write 2000 words in the form of a decent short story??? How can it possibly be so unbelievably difficult. Yesterday I sat down in front of the netbook (an achievment in itself) and wrote 750 words worth of rubbish.

F. Scott Fitzgerald I am not.

Damn Damn Damn.

Why I can't Get My Arse into Gear - an essay

Ho hum.... birthay parties - Hattie's 2! Also washing, cooking, cleaning, ironing and shopping. And reading Michael Frayn's 'Spies' at top speed so that I can be useful when I take top dollar from some poor unsuspecting student who's coming here tonight for tuition before her English A Level. Only joking! Actually, I'm quite good at the teaching thing on the whole, although having to use my brain after 7pm is quite a stretch these days.

I'm struggling with my regular sinus thing at the moment - attractive red eyes and all, but I'm just about to start on my millionth course of antibiotics so maybe I'll make a miraculous recovery in the next few days. My immune system's still not 100% so there we go.

And it's my birthday next week. For a long while it didn't seem likely that I'd see my 41st birthday. But here I am and all that stuff......

Am not really managing all the writing projects and ideas for more writing which are swirling around unwritten or at best half-written. I don't have enough time after I've done all of the above.... and I do have to fit in some TV and reading down-time too. I guess successful writers are quite a disciplined bunch. I wish I wasn't quite so easily distracted. Oooh - another cup of tea I think while the baby sleeps before I have to go and get the kids from school. See what I mean?