Kate's Blog

Follow me if you will as I try to navigate through the ups and downs of my world.

I'm writing this blog to help me make sense of all that has happened - from my diagnosis with non-Hodgkins lymphoma while pregnant with my third child in May 2008
, through to my reflections on chaotic family life as I try to pick up the pieces of my life again.

The kids are so small, and I'm working hard to keep us all safe and to stay in remission.

Stay with me - it won't be all doom and gloom I promise!

Monday, 14 June 2010

What's Going On?

So, what's going on with me at the moment?

I want another baby although I spend most of my time being absolutely overwhelmed with the children I have. Not being able to have any more children - after the hideous chemotherapy thing - doesn't help. It's not good to think that your body doesn't work like it should do/used to do just 2 years ago.

I want to go back to work for a couple of days a week because I'm feeling overwhelmed and at times isolated and frustrated by all the endless repetitive duties at home. I'd love some chat and a good giggle with new colleagues. I'm good at getting on with people and am quite sociable. It'd be satisfying to have an existence separate to my family which takes place out of these four walls. Oh, and we badly need the money. But.....

I don't want to go back to work. Hattie's only just 2 and I missed out of loads of good time with her in her first year. Teaching English in a secondary school is pretty exhausting and demanding - especially teaching those younger kids. Bring on the A Level is all I hope and pray! And there's work to do in the evening. Back to the issue of feeling exhausted and overwhelmed with looking after 3 kids, two kittens and a house. Returning to work has to add to that pressure - what with Ed's haemophilia (yes, that's still going on... he has a bleed in his ankle at the moment, the school rang me today and I fetched him and injected him) and Hattie being bound to experience the whole gamut of childhood illnesses the moment she's ensconced in nursery.

I want to go to bed really early every night to indulge my old passion.... reading that is. But I want to stay up late enjoying the peace once the kids are in bed, watching rubbish tv and writing my blog.

I want a dog because I'm feeling broody and the kids would love it. I don't want a dog because I'd have to look after it and I'm tired of looking after things and people.

I want a campervan for totally fun family holidays. I want to ride a motorbike or a horse across Mongolia ON MY OWN.

I could go on but I imagine that you catch my drift.


Tracey said...

I know exactly how you feel. Exactly. Even if you had never been sick, this would be a tough season with the kids and the intellectual and social malaise. Did I say I know exactly how you feel?

I guess the only way this may console you, is to know that it is not all the disease's fault, so don't waste too much energy hating it.

Take care, rest up, enjoy the little stuff that does not take too much energy.

Rebecca S. said...

Okay, even though I'm not older than you I'm going to assume the older sister role here. I used to spend hours bemoaning my days filled up with trivial duties when my kids were little, but now I look back and wonder why I was in such a hurry to get back to 'normal'. What I didn't realize was that life would NEVER be what it once was before I had children. It changes everything, so the best we can do, like my old Italian neighbour used to say wistfully when I walked past with my two little boys: "Oh enjoy them when they are little. They grow up so fast and then they are gone." (Her grown up son would come over and their fights could be heard up and down the street)
There is nothing wrong with wanting something for your brain (and obviously you have an active one), but it needs to feed your life with your family, not drain it. I hope that makes some sense.

Anita said...

I was listening to someone on TV this morning talking about the movie, The 5 People You Meet in Heaven, based on the book by Mitch Albom. Basically she summed it up by saying that we spend so much time wanting to be somewhere else, or someone else, but most of the time, at the end of our lives, we realize it was all alright being where we were. Her point was: try to enjoy your life as is. Things gradually change, and so will your life.
I forgot how old you are, but I found my early forties to be challenging because I 'was' learning to be who I really am, and accepting it.
(I don't recall you being 40 yet?)

Kate said...

Thanks, all. You're right of course. And more than anything after the experience I've had I should enjoy the small things in life. Oh and Anita - yes, 41, I'm afraid.... but I guess that's not so old.

H. Kids said...

You are right. Although the pic is very sweet. For summer vacations we should go to place like these.