Kate's Blog

Follow me if you will as I try to navigate through the ups and downs of my world.

I'm writing this blog to help me make sense of all that has happened - from my diagnosis with non-Hodgkins lymphoma while pregnant with my third child in May 2008
, through to my reflections on chaotic family life as I try to pick up the pieces of my life again.


The kids are so small, and I'm working hard to keep us all safe and to stay in remission.

Stay with me - it won't be all doom and gloom I promise!



Thursday, 24 September 2009

Dreams

Well, today I woke up exhausted. I dreamt last night that the cancer had come back. In the early, early morning with the older kids cuddled into our bed one either side of me, I sleepily and accidentally spoke of my dream. And so began the conversation which, along with the dream, continues to haunt me all morning. My son asked me if last year I had been afraid I was going to die. I replied that I supposed I had been a bit. Major understatement there. I said that I'd been lucky that all the treatment I'd had worked. Yes, he said, but if it comes back again you won't be lucky again. I was amazed at how much he knew - although we've never kept stuff a secret we thought we'd been effectively opaque about the future. And amazed at how courageous he is to put into words such the cataclysmic fear we all feel. My daughter, 18 months younger, just wound her warm arm around me and said that she would keep me safe from the cancer. And you know what? I almost felt she could if I could just suspend time and stay in that moment.

And then we got up, had breakfast and went to school!! Watching the kids disappear through the classroom doors my heart felt heavy for what a burden my small children, only 4 and 5, carry inside themselves as their day unfolds. And today my heart feels heavy for myself too.

3 comments:

Meghan said...

hey kate! i am so happy to meet you. i kind of felt the same way you do about starting a blog. i wondered if i was some type of attention whore...and, really, who cares about my little life?!? it takes a lot of courage to put yourself out there in this kind of forum. for me it has been well worth it. i have made some really good connections with some amazing writers, moms and women. it is truly my only artistic outlet right now and i so value that! so when you question yourself and blogging...know that people care and that what you have to say is important. it's your story and it matters! i wish for you health and happiness with those sweet kiddos. i'm sure you are on such a roller coaster of emotions. you can bet i will be following you along...xoxo meghan

Kate said...

Thanks, Meghan, for your lovely supportive comment. I'm really finding doing this so creative and therapeutic. Lets keep going!!!

hannah__forsyth said...

Well - I lost my first comment due to 'blog' inexperience!

However....

My Kate,

thank you for sharing your blog. I think about you everyday while I am doing my stuff and I wonder how you do in your daily and nightly doings and how you wind your way forward. I cannot make sense of last year, or now or next and how you manage to move you and your family forward is amazing - you are amazing. I love you dearly, this is an excellent, impressive, productive and creative move - beautifully written. x x x x x x x x x x