Kate's Blog

Follow me if you will as I try to navigate through the ups and downs of my world.

I'm writing this blog to help me make sense of all that has happened - from my diagnosis with non-Hodgkins lymphoma while pregnant with my third child in May 2008
, through to my reflections on chaotic family life as I try to pick up the pieces of my life again.

The kids are so small, and I'm working hard to keep us all safe and to stay in remission.

Stay with me - it won't be all doom and gloom I promise!

Wednesday, 30 September 2009

Heavy Stuff - little bit of doom and gloom (sorry)

Oh, I can't say how pleased I am to read comments and have a some new followers. It's a dispiriting idea to think of my blog floating around in cyber-space with no-one to care for it apart from me. Hooray!!

I'm in a spin today as I try to decide what I can do to help myself through this tough patch I'm experiencing. I can't escape from the numbing anxiety which overtakes me at times throughout every day and twines itself into my dreams at night. I guess one thing is that I don't know what would exactly happen if the cancer returns in terms of actions and any possible further treatment. I know that my prognosis wouldn't be good but I've shied away from a detailed discussion with my consultant because it's all so very very scary. Reaching that place called remission has been as far as I've wanted to travel along this road. I was told by another doctor that it would be 'grim' if it returned. However it has occurred to me that maybe I'd be less haunted if I knew more and assumed less. What does 'grim' exactly mean? Knowledge is power and all that!

Oh but I'd have to be brave to have that conversation - even though I assume the worst should I relapse, hearing the worst from my doctor would be awful. But maybe just maybe I might find some glimmer of comfort from being armed and prepared.

Phew!! Sorry to be so serious. I just didn't bargain for struggling with stuff like this at my age. But who would?? My son asked me today if I could live for another 55 years. I was about to say of course I couldn't but then I realised I COULD actually live another 55 years. I'd be 95 but what the hell? Roll on undignified old age, I'm ready for you - I just hope the kids come to visit me. At least being a threesome, they can share the burden!


Margaret said...

Oh, Kate, what difficult unponderables you are bearing. Although it is not the same, I began having panic attacks when my daughter was diagnosed with epilepsy. The future was too terrifying if my mind wandered even a little. The only thing I've learned is that you must be determined in your effort to stay in the present.

Shawna said...

Don't be sorry about being so serious, write it down so you can put it down, if only for just a few moments, because we can't carry the weight of it (whatever *it* may be) all the time. I agree about staying in the present but it can be hard to do when our thoughts keep pulling us away.

I like this quote and revisit it often:
For a long time it seemed to me that life was about to begin - real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life. This perspective has helped me to see there is no way to happiness. Happiness is the way. So treasure every moment you have and remember that time waits for no one.
- Alfred Souza

Kate said...

Thanks for your lovely supportive comments! I guess I need to write things down - it does help me to prganise my thoughts and today I have felt 'lighter' as a result.