The kids have just been exhausting this weekend. I love them dearly which goes without saying, but oh my god would I like to have a bit of space at times. Being a parent is so unbelievably difficult at times I think. Ed wakes up at 6.15 every morning and despite threats, cajoling and even trying to appeal to his better nature (ha ha!) he continues to do so, just as he continues to appear in our room and his sister's as well. He wakes her up although having just started school she is exhausted and badly needs to sleep. The noise they both subsequently make, sends me into apoplectic levels of fury - not always dutifully suppressed as a good parent should - and always, always wakes the baby.
By the time it's 10am we've all been awake for what feels like an eternity. Of course that's what you sign up for when you make the curious decision to have three children in the space of 4 and a half years - but if I'd known it'd be this tiring I'd have had my family in my early 20s! Of course that's ridiculous as I didn't meet their dad till I was in my 30s but you know what I mean!!
So despite what more noble people say who have faced a life threatening illness, I do still sweat the small stuff. And what's more I feel guilty more than ever when I do although I can't really imagine how my responses on an everyday level to everyday stuff would or could be different. However I do strive in theory to be more zen-like though - think I might take up meditation, so watch this space.
And while I feel bad for yelling at the kids today, I'm living with so much worry everyday that it's quite overwhelming at times. It's not their fault of course but sometimes their clamour and chaos is exactly what I can't deal with as I wake up after yet another night of terrible, scary dreams in which the worst happens over and over again. I need peace and quiet to soothe my troubled mind and that's not really what kids do! That's why this whole situation continues to be a tragedy for our family long after I seem ok to everyone else. Live with me for a while and you see that I'm not really ok at all.
We did all go to Hadrian's Wall yesterday though. We had a lovely picnic and a fabulous walk and I can honestly say that I felt the legacy of my awful Friday lift while we were walking - mostly I suspect because I was too busy thinking about how completely shattered I was. Think I'd better keep on with those trips to the gym! Impressive hey?!
Advent, day eleven...
17 hours ago