Kate's Blog

Follow me if you will as I try to navigate through the ups and downs of my world.

I'm writing this blog to help me make sense of all that has happened - from my diagnosis with non-Hodgkins lymphoma while pregnant with my third child in May 2008
, through to my reflections on chaotic family life as I try to pick up the pieces of my life again.


The kids are so small, and I'm working hard to keep us all safe and to stay in remission.

Stay with me - it won't be all doom and gloom I promise!



Tuesday, 23 March 2010

Worry is a Good Friend of Mine

I'm writing this post having just picked the kids up from school. It's not the best time - arguments about changing out of school uniform, clamouring for biscuits and general shouting is ringing through the house.

But I'm worried. The ache in my back which I wrote about a while ago still hasn't gone. It seems to come and go a bit, which the pain used to do when I was harbouring an enormous tumour! I don't know whether to go and get checked out. As usual it's so difficult trying to decide whether to open that particular can of worms or not. I think to others it always seems quite simple - go and get checked out! But to me it isn't that clear. I expend a huge amount of desperate energy while the tests are happening, and I suppose in a way I'm beginning to think that I'll know soon enough for definite if it has come back just by the way I'm feeling. But that's scary too. I'm so tired (as usual) and I caught sight of my reflection today accidentally and was quite shocked how pale and generally grotty I look. That could be cancer-grotty or getting over some crap sinus-y thing-grotty. Who bloody knows.

Rog and I are off to sunny Majorca next Friday, without the kids! I'm looking forward to it more than I could possibly say. I don't want to spoil the run up to the trip by rushing hysterically in and out of hospital having tests, but neither do I want to spoil the holiday by worrying. However, if it has come back and I find out now I won't have the holiday at all. And I'm determined to have the holiday. Do I sound mad? Probably.

It's exhausting this worry it really is. And of course now I have to make tea and do all the other never-ending stuff which the kids expect and need. People are always telling me how lucky I am to have the kids and how they must help me to get through all of this. Yes... I'm lucky. But there have been many moments back when I was having my treatment, and subsequently too when I would dearly appreciate some space to sit down with a cup of tea, rest and worry in peace.

13 comments:

Vince said...

Get your sweet rear to the doctor. It will settle your mind, and it could be wind or Lactose spasm.
Anyhow, good luck on the trip. And don't forget the factor 90. Not all that much point in taking the hubby along if the Sun has turned you the colour of tesco beef ;).

Kate said...

Ha, ha - hope it's wind, although in my upper back that would be quite worrying in itself!! I can't wait, have been hoarding all sorts of essentials for the perfect holiday for quite a while now. The count-down is starting.

Tracey said...

Didn't Vince just post about going to the doctor once in three years or something like that? Hm.

Normally I would agree with him, but your holiday is only a week away. Could two weeks make a huge difference in what they could do to help you? If not you might as well go, if you think you could forget to worry about it while away.

As for all of the grotty feeling...I'm telling you, that could be nothing more than three kids, a husband and a house.

Enjoy the holiday. Eat what you like. Get a tan. And don't meditate once. Unless you want to.

Matthew said...

Majorca.... oooh, have a marvellous time - but I agree with Vince: get checked out. That way you can pack peace of mind alongside your SPF30. :)

MichaƩle said...

Wish I could take all that worry away so you could enjoy your holiday and let your mind be at peace. Praying all is well. Maybe it's just age...at least they tell me that's why my back hurts!!!!

diney said...

i think you should set your mind at rest and get it checked out - its prob just a twinge but you'll not totally relax on hol if you don't. could be a wheat allergy or something easily sorted, or more likely general winter malaise.

IanJef said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
IanJef said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
IanJef said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
IanJef said...

(Trile OOps, must be the Morphine)

Hmm, difficult choice, I decided on the holiday last year, check my blog to see where that got me

I think I'd still choose the holiday......


Oh and don't worry about the Red Admiral, they overwinter, it's been hibernating in a shed nearby all winter.
'BMTA's OH'

Rebecca S. said...

Oh dear, I don't envy you your decision. I think, if it were up to me, after days of agonizing indecision, I would get checked out, just so I could relax on holiday. But then again, maybe I wouldn't :)
In the meantime, I'm pulling for you as usual.x

what happened ?how did i get HERE? said...

What a dilemma. I'd go on hols to be honest....and go to the docs when you get back...so whatever the news is (and hopefully it'll be good news) you will have had a lovely child free break with your hubby (and a tan, result!!). I think time away from the kids ( 3 under 6, yikes!!) can only be a good thing. Enjoy and I'll be thinking good thoughts for you! Mae xx

ps, I've just started The American Wife - love it!!

Mummy mania said...

oh you poor thing.... you must do what your instinct tells you.... and whichever you choose, enjoy that sun on your face...