I'm writing this post having just picked the kids up from school. It's not the best time - arguments about changing out of school uniform, clamouring for biscuits and general shouting is ringing through the house.
But I'm worried. The ache in my back which I wrote about a while ago still hasn't gone. It seems to come and go a bit, which the pain used to do when I was harbouring an enormous tumour! I don't know whether to go and get checked out. As usual it's so difficult trying to decide whether to open that particular can of worms or not. I think to others it always seems quite simple - go and get checked out! But to me it isn't that clear. I expend a huge amount of desperate energy while the tests are happening, and I suppose in a way I'm beginning to think that I'll know soon enough for definite if it has come back just by the way I'm feeling. But that's scary too. I'm so tired (as usual) and I caught sight of my reflection today accidentally and was quite shocked how pale and generally grotty I look. That could be cancer-grotty or getting over some crap sinus-y thing-grotty. Who bloody knows.
Rog and I are off to sunny Majorca next Friday, without the kids! I'm looking forward to it more than I could possibly say. I don't want to spoil the run up to the trip by rushing hysterically in and out of hospital having tests, but neither do I want to spoil the holiday by worrying. However, if it has come back and I find out now I won't have the holiday at all. And I'm determined to have the holiday. Do I sound mad? Probably.
It's exhausting this worry it really is. And of course now I have to make tea and do all the other never-ending stuff which the kids expect and need. People are always telling me how lucky I am to have the kids and how they must help me to get through all of this. Yes... I'm lucky. But there have been many moments back when I was having my treatment, and subsequently too when I would dearly appreciate some space to sit down with a cup of tea, rest and worry in peace.
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