Sometimes I look back on my life, look back to when I was young - 18, 19, 20 - and if I strain hard enough I can just about remember and feel some of the echoes of the person I was then. Some things are definitely an improvement nowadays. I'm more aware of my strength, am more able to be honest about myself - I suppose I know myself better is the short of it.
But - there is a loss too. I had so much excitement at times about what the future might hold. I was a romantic, longing to travel to distant shores - and I did manage some pretty amazing journeys. I felt that there was something good coming my way, and I had space to contemplate what that might be, space to rest and space to think. I was lonely of course at times, especially through my late twenties and early thirties when I would worry that I wouldn't meet my soulmate and have my children - but the potential was there. And I forged my own path to suit myself.
And now I have so much - my three children and my husband and home. And I'm happy, of course I'm happy, but I wish it wasn't so hard to forget that underneath the weight of domestic duties and mundane parenting stuff - parts of my 20 year old self still exist. It's so easy to lose a sense of yourself I think as you get older and days are filled with other people's noise and demands. You remember your immediate needs but forget those more profound and spiritual ones which your soul needs to feel good and satisfied. Or maybe that's just me.
But I'm newly resolved to try to enjoy the everyday a bit more - not always to wish the moment away or look towards the next task. I think we need to have more fun in our family. Rog and I need to be more conscious that we enjoy each other's company - and that we value what we have. Weeks like the one we've had focus the mind - that's for sure. And I'm promising myself to spend more time encouraging the buried parts of me to struggle to the surface a little more. I need to re-find myself.
It was on the... 18th January, actually
23 hours ago