Kate's Blog

Follow me if you will as I try to navigate through the ups and downs of my world.

I'm writing this blog to help me make sense of all that has happened - from my diagnosis with non-Hodgkins lymphoma while pregnant with my third child in May 2008
, through to my reflections on chaotic family life as I try to pick up the pieces of my life again.

The kids are so small, and I'm working hard to keep us all safe and to stay in remission.

Stay with me - it won't be all doom and gloom I promise!

Saturday, 5 December 2009

Finding Me

Sometimes I look back on my life, look back to when I was young - 18, 19, 20 - and if I strain hard enough I can just about remember and feel some of the echoes of the person I was then. Some things are definitely an improvement nowadays. I'm more aware of my strength, am more able to be honest about myself - I suppose I know myself better is the short of it.

But - there is a loss too. I had so much excitement at times about what the future might hold. I was a romantic, longing to travel to distant shores - and I did manage some pretty amazing journeys. I felt that there was something good coming my way, and I had space to contemplate what that might be, space to rest and space to think. I was lonely of course at times, especially through my late twenties and early thirties when I would worry that I wouldn't meet my soulmate and have my children - but the potential was there. And I forged my own path to suit myself.

And now I have so much - my three children and my husband and home. And I'm happy, of course I'm happy, but I wish it wasn't so hard to forget that underneath the weight of domestic duties and mundane parenting stuff - parts of my 20 year old self still exist. It's so easy to lose a sense of yourself I think as you get older and days are filled with other people's noise and demands. You remember your immediate needs but forget those more profound and spiritual ones which your soul needs to feel good and satisfied. Or maybe that's just me.

But I'm newly resolved to try to enjoy the everyday a bit more - not always to wish the moment away or look towards the next task. I think we need to have more fun in our family. Rog and I need to be more conscious that we enjoy each other's company - and that we value what we have. Weeks like the one we've had focus the mind - that's for sure. And I'm promising myself to spend more time encouraging the buried parts of me to struggle to the surface a little more. I need to re-find myself.


Jen said...

I did everything backward. I had my child, then had a career, now I'm going back to school. I still haven't found my soulmate.

There's an award for you on my blog.

Blissseeker said...

Your photos of the kids are fantastic! I also (like Jen), did everything backward. I had my children first, then my career. Now I'm just waiting for a ring hehe. I recently posted something about not being able to find myself now and missing my old self. I can relate!