Kate's Blog

Follow me if you will as I try to navigate through the ups and downs of my world.

I'm writing this blog to help me make sense of all that has happened - from my diagnosis with non-Hodgkins lymphoma while pregnant with my third child in May 2008
, through to my reflections on chaotic family life as I try to pick up the pieces of my life again.

The kids are so small, and I'm working hard to keep us all safe and to stay in remission.

Stay with me - it won't be all doom and gloom I promise!

Monday, 11 January 2010

This Morning

6.00am - Ed woke Martha and they started to talk VERY loudly in their room. But after major threats last night before bed following weeks of early rising, they stayed in their room and didn't thunder upstairs to see us every few minutes in tears after arguing - miraculous!

6.30am - Our alarm went off. The Today Programme filtering into the freezing bedroom (our heating timer has not yet been fitted on the new boiler). Hattie started chatting to herself in her room. Rog, needing to get to work early, hauled himself out of bed and went to put the heating on and make the kids' porridge while I had a reluctant shower. I'm sleeping so badly at the moment that I feel tired even in the shower.

8.00am - Rog long gone, kids dressed for school and Ed ready for his Monday morning IV treatment of Factor 8. Secretly, I've been feeling pretty stressed about this since yesterday evening. But, I manage despite not hitting the vein the first time.

8.30am - kids and I out the door to catch the bus to school as our backyard and lane still has too much snow to easily use the car. Bus takes ages, long walk down the slippery, slushy hill to school. Ed falls once (thank god I managed the treatment) and Martha twice. I manage to stay on my feet thanks to my lovely Hunter wellies. Can you guess how pleased I am with my wellies?

9.30am - Back home. Hattie very lively - damn, need her to sleep so I can do all the house stuff needed. Manage to put on the washing at least. Make my smoothie - need an energy boost.

10.30am - Sign up for the 2010 5KM Run for Life. Surely I can manage that by the summer? Decide that I'm going to get a pedometer and start walking seriously. I'm going to try to cut down on my carb eating in the evening too, to try to lose some pounds. Hmmm. I'm so exhausted by the evening that I can't imagine managing without my baked potato or rice - but we'll see.

10.45am - Hear on Woman's Hour a speaker from Macmillan Cancer Support, and a cancer survivor talking about the long-term effects of chemotherapy and radiotherapy, and realise that I have been suffering from some of these for the past year since I went into remission. The exhaustion, for one, has definitely been a factor to contend with, over and above that which comes with having three small kids. The radio programme was discussing the fact that when you finish your cancer treatment, you are really cast adrift back into your life with very little guidance or warning about how you might feel in the coming year or two. Consequently, I have been really pushing myself to get fit, lose weight and generally resume normal things long before my body is ready for that. Particularly after the very aggressive treatment I received. Of course going back to all the old stuff is what I want - but the frustration I've felt that I haven't been able to manage all the goals I've set myself has added to my stress and not helped my peace of mind. I only finished my radiotherapy this time last year - I now begin to see that I've been asking too much of myself for much of that time. The scan coming up on Thursday is obviously focusing my mind and my thoughts on all of this. If the results are ok (pray god they are) I think I need to treat myself more gently and try not to vilify myself because I'm not looking or feeling my best yet. That will come with time and care.


Meghan said...

yay, kate! hopefully that let's a little pressure off your shoulders...

diney said...

I heard the lady on woman's hour too and was very interested as one of my very best friends had breast cancer treatment last year and I think she is pushing herself too hard to get back to some normality before her body is ready, the same as you probably are. It's a pity that the system has failed in the support post treatment, but the spokesman on WH said it was being addressed, and not before time. Try and pace yourself - you've had very aggressive treatment as well as huge mental strain, combined with all you do as wife and mummy. Enough - give yourself time x and fingers crossed for your app.

Kate said...

Thanks, Meghan and Diney - it's very good to have support from my fellow bloggers!

Meghan said...

kate...sweet pea told me that when he got married he was going to move to florida or canada and that i would have to move on from there. not invited. not going to be my son after that because..."i'll be married, mom."

Rebecca S. said...

Kate, as I look back now on my life with small children, I wish I hadn't pushed so hard for everything to live up to my expectations (including myself) - and that was without the experiences you have had!
Struggle seems to be par for the course in life with young ones, but it will get easier, I promise, and as your energy slowly returns, you will start to see the light at the end of the tunnel. xoxo
p.s. your wellies sound terrific! I need some, too.