Kate's Blog

Follow me if you will as I try to navigate through the ups and downs of my world.

I'm writing this blog to help me make sense of all that has happened - from my diagnosis with non-Hodgkins lymphoma while pregnant with my third child in May 2008
, through to my reflections on chaotic family life as I try to pick up the pieces of my life again.

The kids are so small, and I'm working hard to keep us all safe and to stay in remission.

Stay with me - it won't be all doom and gloom I promise!

Monday, 18 January 2010

What Now?

I'm feeling motivation to sort out my life. Does it need sorting? Well - I need to think about which direction my life is travelling in I suppose. I need to decide when to return to work, whether I want to leave Hattie at all and start that dodge and dance which all working mothers experience, and which I remember so well.

We need the cash - that's the trouble.

But honestly would my two or three day per week salary be worth the dropping kids off at the crack of dawn at breakfast clubs and nursery? Is it worth not being able to pick them up from school every day of the week? Would it be worth the awful calls in to work to tell them I can't come because Ed has a bleed, Martha's been sick or Hattie has chicken-pox? Can I cope with having anything extra to do in the evenings beyond what I do already? Because along with secondary school English teaching comes a hell of a lot of marking, planning and other miscellaneous stuff which would have to be done after the kids are in bed.

Where would my writing come in - a commitment which I find hard to keep at the best of times?

But, I need a career. I'm kind of between things at the moment. Really, I'd like to re-train. I think teaching and me have come to a parting of the ways, so if I did go back to work soon - back to teaching - I think it would only be a temporary solution. In the longer term - and it's so scary for me to even think like this after the past 18 months - I need to find something rewarding to do which can ultimately pay the mortgage when I go back to working full-time when the kids are older. Rog's 10 years older than me and although he's not over the hill, neither of us are spring chickens and we have a hefty mortgage which won't be paid off for another 25 years. If I re-train soon, I'll have a good 10 years to build up a career before he retires. Hmmm.

Have you noticed that I'm talking about the future? The long-term future. Somehow, I'm daring to begin to let out that breath I've been holding for the longest time. I'm only a year in remission and I've a long long way to go before I can say I'm clear of all this horror. But I'm feeling an optimism I haven't been able to even look sideways at since all this started.

And I'm thinking of trying a boxercise class. I'm a bit lacking in the old muscle-power so the experience might be somewhat humiliating!


diney said...

Just read you post - I think it's a shame to give up on your teaching, as it is the best profession to be in for a busy mum and I wish I had taken up my place on a PGCE at Durham Uni when it was offered, instead of taking a different option. Don't throw away all your training and experience without huge thought first.Wonderful that you ARE thinking of the future though - you must be floating on air still.

Tracey said...

Oh Kate, how wonderful that you are thinking of the future! This season with the little ones will go by very quickly. (Remember when your eldest was born...like yesterday.) And pace yourself. You don't want to trade your health for anything.

Prayers to you.

Mummy mania said...

I agree, planning the future must feel wonderful, but try and give yourself time to make a fulfilling choice... could you tutor? therefore earn some money but not be tied to long school days?

Rebecca S. said...

Yes, now with your thoughts moving from the immediate survival mode to thoughts of the long-term, I would just give yourself some time. My dad says, "Never make a major decision when you are really, really up or really, really down" - wait for equalibrium.
Last year I made a serious change. I absolutely forbade myself from worrying about money - and since then I have noticed that as long as I am prudent, there is somehow always enough. x

Vince said...

In answer to your 'what now'. You really need to go and let go of the air you've held onto for the last number of months. If you can, hand your babies over to close family or friends for ten days or a fortnight and get yourself and himself off someplace hot. Failing this, bring them someplace where they are removed from your hands from the time they get up to the time they go to bed. This will put a full stop, and allow you to turn the page.