What Now?

I'm feeling motivation to sort out my life. Does it need sorting? Well - I need to think about which direction my life is travelling in I suppose. I need to decide when to return to work, whether I want to leave Hattie at all and start that dodge and dance which all working mothers experience, and which I remember so well.

We need the cash - that's the trouble.

But honestly would my two or three day per week salary be worth the dropping kids off at the crack of dawn at breakfast clubs and nursery? Is it worth not being able to pick them up from school every day of the week? Would it be worth the awful calls in to work to tell them I can't come because Ed has a bleed, Martha's been sick or Hattie has chicken-pox? Can I cope with having anything extra to do in the evenings beyond what I do already? Because along with secondary school English teaching comes a hell of a lot of marking, planning and other miscellaneous stuff which would have to be done after the kids are in bed.

Where would my writing come in - a commitment which I find hard to keep at the best of times?

But, I need a career. I'm kind of between things at the moment. Really, I'd like to re-train. I think teaching and me have come to a parting of the ways, so if I did go back to work soon - back to teaching - I think it would only be a temporary solution. In the longer term - and it's so scary for me to even think like this after the past 18 months - I need to find something rewarding to do which can ultimately pay the mortgage when I go back to working full-time when the kids are older. Rog's 10 years older than me and although he's not over the hill, neither of us are spring chickens and we have a hefty mortgage which won't be paid off for another 25 years. If I re-train soon, I'll have a good 10 years to build up a career before he retires. Hmmm.

Have you noticed that I'm talking about the future? The long-term future. Somehow, I'm daring to begin to let out that breath I've been holding for the longest time. I'm only a year in remission and I've a long long way to go before I can say I'm clear of all this horror. But I'm feeling an optimism I haven't been able to even look sideways at since all this started.

And I'm thinking of trying a boxercise class. I'm a bit lacking in the old muscle-power so the experience might be somewhat humiliating!