Kate's Blog

Follow me if you will as I try to navigate through the ups and downs of my world.

I'm writing this blog to help me make sense of all that has happened - from my diagnosis with non-Hodgkins lymphoma while pregnant with my third child in May 2008
, through to my reflections on chaotic family life as I try to pick up the pieces of my life again.

The kids are so small, and I'm working hard to keep us all safe and to stay in remission.

Stay with me - it won't be all doom and gloom I promise!

Saturday, 3 October 2009

Past, Present, Future

It's a time for looking back and forward for me at the moment.

Exactly this time last year I was going into hospital about to face my super-high dose chemo and my stem cell transplant. This made me the illest I've ever felt. I was about a month away from my last lot of chemo at that point and not feeling too bad - I remember carrying my stuff onto the ward, heavy bags - the lot - without too much bother. I emerged 3 weeks later, literally a shadow of my former self having become very ill indeed with sepsis and colitis while the chemo and the transplant did their thing. I staggered out of the doors of the hospital, almost unable to stand upright enough to wait for the car parked a footstep away. Those three weeks saved my life I know but my god they nearly killed me in the process.

This time a year ago Ed had just started school and life at home was catastrophically complicated as my family struggled to work out how to care for a small baby and a pre-schooler while taking Ed backwards and forwards to school. They took it in turns to visit me and take care of the kids in a kind of rota system which meant horrendous amounts of organisation for everyone. Before I became too ill to know what was happening in those three weeks I was obsessed with knowing who was where doing what. I think I drove everyone crazy but they were all far too generous and loving to tell me that! I remember saying goodbye to the baby the morning I went into hospital as my husband took her to my mother. Just grim.

And now... I feel well. I've seen my daughter start school this year and I'm doing all the school pick-ups and all the shopping, cooking and cleaning just as any mum does.

But I look into to the future - particularly this time next year - with such particular intensity. Will I still be around to sort out uniform for the new school year? Will I be able to look backwards through a year of good health and happiness? Will I be thinking forward with more peace of mind to the next year?

These questions are not just morbid or perverse. They are part of my existence at the moment. I imagine I am following the path of some journey that most people find themselves upon in my situation. I guess if I am still here in 5 years' time I won't still be pondering these inponderables. I very much hope I won't anyhow, because it's all more than a little exhausting that's for sure.


hannah said...

still reading and thinking of you x

Shawna said...

Looking to the future is good, I'm glad you're feeling well. I enjoy reading your posts.

Kate said...


Anonymous said...

God's blessings to you, you sweet thing. The stress you must be under...if we were neighbors, I would love to take your kids for the afternoons so you could rest (and write!)

Kate said...

Thanks Michaele - I really appreciate your support. It would be great to be neighbours!!