Past, Present, Future

It's a time for looking back and forward for me at the moment.

Exactly this time last year I was going into hospital about to face my super-high dose chemo and my stem cell transplant. This made me the illest I've ever felt. I was about a month away from my last lot of chemo at that point and not feeling too bad - I remember carrying my stuff onto the ward, heavy bags - the lot - without too much bother. I emerged 3 weeks later, literally a shadow of my former self having become very ill indeed with sepsis and colitis while the chemo and the transplant did their thing. I staggered out of the doors of the hospital, almost unable to stand upright enough to wait for the car parked a footstep away. Those three weeks saved my life I know but my god they nearly killed me in the process.

This time a year ago Ed had just started school and life at home was catastrophically complicated as my family struggled to work out how to care for a small baby and a pre-schooler while taking Ed backwards and forwards to school. They took it in turns to visit me and take care of the kids in a kind of rota system which meant horrendous amounts of organisation for everyone. Before I became too ill to know what was happening in those three weeks I was obsessed with knowing who was where doing what. I think I drove everyone crazy but they were all far too generous and loving to tell me that! I remember saying goodbye to the baby the morning I went into hospital as my husband took her to my mother. Just grim.

And now... I feel well. I've seen my daughter start school this year and I'm doing all the school pick-ups and all the shopping, cooking and cleaning just as any mum does.

But I look into to the future - particularly this time next year - with such particular intensity. Will I still be around to sort out uniform for the new school year? Will I be able to look backwards through a year of good health and happiness? Will I be thinking forward with more peace of mind to the next year?

These questions are not just morbid or perverse. They are part of my existence at the moment. I imagine I am following the path of some journey that most people find themselves upon in my situation. I guess if I am still here in 5 years' time I won't still be pondering these inponderables. I very much hope I won't anyhow, because it's all more than a little exhausting that's for sure.