Kate's Blog

Follow me if you will as I try to navigate through the ups and downs of my world.

I'm writing this blog to help me make sense of all that has happened - from my diagnosis with non-Hodgkins lymphoma while pregnant with my third child in May 2008
, through to my reflections on chaotic family life as I try to pick up the pieces of my life again.

The kids are so small, and I'm working hard to keep us all safe and to stay in remission.

Stay with me - it won't be all doom and gloom I promise!

Tuesday, 17 November 2009

Night Terrors

I had such a bad night last night. I lay awake - my eyes having inexplicably sprung open as if the alarm clock was ringing at 12.45 am. And I could not get back to sleep. I was uncomfortable and hot - I've stopped my HRT for a while as my hormones seemed a bit healthier, but I'm still getting pretty awful hot flushes, about every 20 mins actually. The doctors say it's because my body was plunged into such sudden menopause that I'm experiencing such dramatic symptoms. The HRT which I've been on for the past year helped with that but I've been keen to try to cope without it as I don't really want to take anything regularly which is associated with dramatic side-effects: I've had quite enough of dramatic health issues to last me a (long) lifetime. However, without it I am subjected to these waves of heat which feel as if they come from my middle and wash over me. It's an unbelievably unpleasant feeling. So at night I'm always at least half awake to push the covers off - then I sleep again and of course get cold which half wakes me again, so I pull them over me again. This makes not for restful sleep!!

And last night I was fully awake..... convincing myself that my stomach ache was certainly the cancer returning. I tossed and turned with flashbacks of awful times in hospital torturing me. I considered tiptoeing downstairs and making some tea and reading but couldn't quite be bothered, so I lay and tossed and turned some more. As you'll know or can imagine, being awake when your three small children are asleep runs contrary to nature for any mother. They're asleep!!! Why the hell are you awake?!!!!

I did go to sleep in the end but, waking to the dulcet tones of the baby at 6am, I felt a little delicate to say the least. And speaking to my brother this morning, he reminded me that I've just thrown off swine flu in the best part of a week without succumbing to pneumonia or bronchitis or any other horrible side-effect which people in my 'high-risk category' might be prone to. It helps to think that my immune system can't be in too bad a shape and it doesn't seem logical to assume that a body which is currently facing a reappearance of cancer could recover from other illnesses so easily.

But it's always this unknown which I live with, and the terror gets me in the middle of the night. I have a CT scan in mid-January and the thought of it is hovering over me like an inescapable black cloud. Will I still be here next Christmas. I bloody hope so and bloody plan to be but really I feel so helpless - there's not much I can do to influence the outcome of this whole story. I'm glad I can't flick through to the end of this tale I'm writing - what a petrifying idea.


Menopausal New Mom said...

Oh, I hate when I can't sleep knowing the next day is going to be a full one. With everything on your mind though, it's no wonder. As hard as it is, keep those positive thoughts coming!

Anita said...

Just keep doing the best you can. Let things go if you can. Ask yourself, what will happen if I don't do this? Then decide if you have to do it.
Take care. Hope you sleep better tonight. :)

Mummy mania said...

It's no wonder you can't sleep... and yes, it's even more awful when you know the chidlren will be up soon and you can't have a lie in... keep strong...

Margaret said...

Thinking of you. Hope all is well and that you'll find peace of mind.

JennyMac said...

Sending positive thoughts your way!

Jen said...

I hope you get to make this an extra special Christmas, then find out in January that you are that much closer to knowing there will be many more to come.

Kate said...

Thanks everyone as always for your kind and very positive messages