I'm starting my writing course tomorrow and I'm feeling a bit scared. Quite apart from trying to decide whether I'm feeling up to going - the doctor says I'm no longer infectious although I'm still feeling far from well. But, I've meant to sign up for these courses for ages and I feel that I would be chickening out - nothing like finding out that you cannot write at all.
And I am feeling quite stuck at the moment - in this blog, in my writing, in everything really. Obviously not being well contributes to this feeling. It's hard to explain but I really think that the past 18 months have affected me in so many ways really - and not feeling well affects me fundementally. I have really been waiting for 18 months to start my life again and I feel as if I keep being thwarted by my blasted health or lack of it. And when I feel unwell I am kind of plunged back to the worst of my frustrations all over again. My writing is becoming very important to me - I don't want to shelve my ambitions in that direction any longer, but this stuck feeling is not a good feeling at all.
Oh - and I've discovered that it's only 6 weeks until Christmas! I feel quite stressed at all I haven't done and have to do and am amazed at how many people in the school playground have completely finished their shopping. Maybe it's just a Northern thing - but I'm a good southern girl at heart and I'm used to not thinking about Christmas until maybe a week before!! But with a burgeoning family, new nephews arriving at least once a year - I think I'm going to have to be more organised, especially as I want to do as much as possible online. Certainly I can't face trawling the shops clueless and hot - I always get so hot when I shop....
I love Christmas though - and it seems very important to make it warm and happy for us all, especially in these first years after my diagnosis when inevitably thoughts turn to Christmases future, and those unbearable unknowns loom large.
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