Heading Home

Well, this is the first bit of peace I've had since we came up here to Scotland last Monday. We're still here - had been planning to leave today but I'm still feeling really rotten and have decided to leave the long drive home for one more day.

My mum, sister and baby nephew are here too and they've just taken all the kids out for a walk - so I have the house, temporarily, to myself. Lovely!

I'm concerned about how I'm feeling. My lungs had quite severe radiotherapy damage and now my whole chest doesn't feel too great. My consultant has said that I will be prone to chest infections and certainly I feel a whole load of pain there at the moment.

I'm so fed up with feeling ill - which I've spent the best part of 18 months doing as I try to sort out my flagging immune system. But it's tiring and depressing and always in the background is the nagging worry that if I'm catching all this stuff, how is my immune system going to recognise and fight off the cancer should it make a reappearance.

It's obvious of course but feeling well and free of niggling irritating illnesses makes me feel much more positive about staying in remission. It's kind of hard to be positive when I'm shivering in bed with hot-water bottles and much easier when I'm walking or cycling or at the dreaded gym. And always not far from the surface lurks the conversation I had with the consultant. 10-15% chance of survival should the cancer reappear sounds ever worse to me.

Being surrounded by noise and family blots some of that terror out and I don't verbalise my fears to people around me at least not nearly as often as the fear flashes through me - but strangely I've also noticed that the more people I'm with in the day, the worse the anxiety is at night when all is quiet and the silence works to let those terrors in. I'm better if I acknowledge something in the day or I'm often in trouble at night.

It's Ed's 6th birthday tomorrow - and we'll spend most of it in the car. But we've various treats planned along the way and he'll have a new bike to come home to which can't be bad. Being born on Bonfire Night is pretty exciting - fireworks going off all over the city and bonfire celebrations at the weekend along with chocolate cake. And another tea-party next weekend with his friends from school. As can be imagined, excitement levels are running pretty high today. I'm looking forward to get home too - to get the kids back to school and to get on with things.

And the writing I hear you ask? Am I on target? Short answer - No!!